The Haunting of Arey Elementary

i.

on one of the rare occasions i found myself
wandering my hometown
passing by the old Arey Elementary
i was blown away by
how small the playground was

there was a moment it was big
a moment i was big
life was big

a moment
as brief as a breeze
as long-lasting as a burn

it was 2nd grade
kiss-tag with a few cute girls
at recess

that was living
liked i have never lived
since

on the way back to class
full of excitement
telling the girls
"that was fun! let's play again tomorrow! that was so much fun!"

Tricia set me straight
"we only played that game to make fun of you! you're gross! no of us like you!"

that was dying
like i have died so often
since

ii.

Arey converted into the alternative high school a few years later

when Justin Dillon and his friends
made it clear that i wasn't welcome
at the regular high school
i finished my diploma at the alternative school

being back there
was like being my own fucking ghost

looking down at a parking lot
that used to be the playground
i wished it had always been a parking lot
i wished i had never played with those girls
i wished i had played hookie that day instead
i wished there was a way to exorcise myself
a way to forget
or not care when i remember

turns out
there was
and i found it at just the right time

iii.

i kissed those girls thirty years ago
and if i could take those kisses back
i would

i started drinking twenty years ago
and if i could give every drink back
i wouldn't

but as it is
the girls get to keep their kisses
and i had to set the drinks free

and somewhere on the landing
of the northwest stairs in the Arey building
there is the ghost of a boy who is full of light
about to ascend into a darkness that never shakes