[an illness so cold]

an illness so cold
he sees flames as medicine
and treats his disease

Nyctophilia

For a moment with the night
he will trade you the day.
He takes a witching walk with the moon.
Avoids the glinting of afternoon.
When it is dusk it feels right,
but at dawn goes away.

When he saunters in the dark
he will not miss the sun,
or the unyielding warmth of its gleam.
Recalling midnight; a precious dream.
Sharing stories that were stark,
but tales that light unspun.

So when the morning shines bright
he turns his head away.
Seeking his heart for stars not forgot;
the twinkling of Mars, sparkling red dot.
For a moment with the night
he will trade you the day.

[dog in the kennel]

dog in the kennel
wishes his door would open
yearns for a frolic

Tomorrow

Tumultuous plague of anxiety,
Overwhelming a deeply troubled soul.
Morning battles against panic,
Outnumbered by innumerable fears,
Retreat seems the only choice.
Rife with worry,
Obstacles of options,
Waiting hopelessly for a new day.

As We Ride Out A Storm

we wait under a black umbrella

beneath the branches of a silhouette

for clouds to be chased away by the dogs of the sun

snarling jaws of light 

Between The Writer And The Ink

to reach for the pen
only when you need it
is a mistake

you must reach for it everyday

eventually it grows familiar with your touch
waits to be held by you
longs the grip of your fingers
hopes to fulfill its purpose between you and the page

eventually
it begins to need
you

Wolf

Winds sweep through the branches, and past them I
Observe the satellite of my howling impulses. 
Lunar intoxicant swims deep into my blood, and
From man I am transformed.

Don't Stay In Bed

the dream does not end upon waking

for everything not seen in the dream

open your eyes every morning

lift your head from the pillow

and set out to create in the world

be it through an artistic expression

or a simple kindness

the dream can be carried with you

a song that speaks to the lonely ear

a painting that brightens the weary eye

or a gesture that

electrifies the heart

with the love of a thousand cities

the beauty of your subconscious is not to be your own

it is a message from the sleep gods

to be shared with the angels you see every day

family and friends

strangers and vagrants

and even your enemies

make no mistake about it

heaven is an attainable reality

it just takes work on our part

to keep mending the wings

so don't stay in bed

get up

get moving

and get to work

making real changes in the world

the dream does not end upon waking

Divided We Fall

nation of stubborn children
entitled to a blanket of arrogance 
insolent toward even the slightest hints of debate
luxury of ego overshadowing any sense of community

[no peace between us]

no peace between us
ideals of opposition
our blood born to boil

[she spoke in riddles]

She spoke in riddles,
her lips creating puzzles.
Solved, they said "I'm done."

[sing through times of war]

sing through times of war 

brave the tanks with harmony 

battle them with song

Slow Dancing With Dependency

tired of her obsessions
insatiable outbursts of self
dragging her around

angst smothered mornings
culminating into nightly carnivals of recklessness
meandering the neon lit taverns
in search of a single reason

alone in a series of fleeting companionship
tenderly broken open
ferociously hoping to be fixed

[strands of her dark hair]

strands of her dark hair

magnetized to my pillow

things she left behind

The Laborer

he wants to help build something
a home for the heart

changing the world with a hammer
his hands are ready for a days work
clothes are stained but sturdy
his back is ready for a days work
hair is greasy and matted with sweat
his soul is ready for a days work

in spite of everything that is so easily destroyed
he wants to help build something

Originality Is A Sham

i think of drinking with the moon
but Li Po already did that
hundreds of years ago
among the petals of China

i think of walking alone into a dive bar
sitting there drowning in sorrows
waiting for a broken woman to take me in
but Bukowski
already did that

i think about staying sober
but the rooms of A.A. are filled
with people who have more time than i have

so i think of writing a poem
that says something new
to ease my hackneyed worries
but there's nothing new to say

it's no use
it's all been done
everything is a rip-off

i'd quit
but i'm sure somebody else already did that
too

[two mountains hanker]

two mountains hanker
to reach across the valley
always between them

A Pep-Talk with Ice-T

i met him at the Milwaukee Metalfest in 2003
when his rock band
Body Count
was headlining the second night

watching a band earlier in the day
on a side stage
i turned to see Ice
standing next to me

having been a fan of his music
i had to say something
but i didn't want to come off as sycophantic
after all
he and i share a birthday
he's just a normal Aquarius dude
just like me

so i tapped at his shoulder and said
"Yo, Ice,"

"Wassup, Homie?"
he replied
a bit curious
a bit bothered

"Hey, man, you used to be a pimp.
You should help me get laid tonight."

he laughed
gave me a pat on the back
and said
"Homie, you don't need help."

and then he walked away

[short glass of water]

short glass of water

to wash back the pills in hand

last glass of water

[as we dodge culture]

as we dodge culture
living here, safe from poets
no cafes in sight

[out of sheer boredom]

out of sheer boredom
cravings for poison set in
little breaths of death

[i'm in hot water]

i'm in hot water

swimming the witch's cauldron 

soup of a black mass

When I Smoke

i stand outside the back door in the cold

staring up at the sky hoping it can tell me something

that i'm not just out here freezing my ass off for nothing

for a nasty habit just for the sake of habit

i think about quitting

but i haven't found a good enough reason

so i take another drag

hold it in deep

let it get into the lungs

into the blood

into the bored crevices of the soul

where all my cravings begin

Some Bullshit Is Worth Believing In

"you gotta forget about true love, man."
he told me over drinks at my apartment.
"it's made up bullshit,
a marketing tool!
it doesn't exist!"

i'd just broken up with Hannah,
my head was a mess,
and i'd just admitted to him
that all i ever wanted was to find the "one".
he kept unleashing on me.

"you wanna spend your whole life looking for this fairy-tale of a woman.
ohhh, she's nice to you, she respects you,
she'll stay by your side through thick, and thin.
bullshit!
real women are always looking to trade up.
whether it's for a guy with more money, better looking, or a bigger cock.
it doesn't matter what the reason is.
the point is-
the woman you're looking for doesn't exist!
true love-
doesn't exist!"

"well,"
i bashfully began to defend myself,
"that's no reason not to look for it."

"oh?
then why don't you look for God while you're at it?"

i took a sip off my drink, and could only reply-
"i'm not interested in God."

A Bird Keeper's Remorse

it was never my intention to clip your wing

i was only trying to take a feather

so that i would have something to remind me of you

after you flew away

The Master Is Not

Where the wealth of the human spirit resides,
you will never see.
Gonna die when you find out that money can't buy another breath.
Run out of time after having been a slave to it.
To the shackles of your greedy heart, it would seem
only death has a key.

Perseverance 

My quest starts in the dim,
torch lit to see the way.
Of no fear shall i cower;
love keeps me brave through any tunnel,
lights the blackest cave.
Her beauty is something i must always search for;
name of a rose, or by any other.

Always Be Asking

who is not afraid to ask a question

knows always an answer

where there is a will to investigate

the resolve is found in that will

time spent on the deepest examinations of life

goes to show one the deepest ways to appreciate it

Only Glass

there is a broken window in the house across the street
it would be easy to yell insults at them
denigrate them during dinner
disparaging the quality of their home
but i don't
because i realize my windows
are only glass 

Six Brooding Goth Girls

six brooding goth girls smoking in the park
cheerleader came along, and asked "why are you so dark?"
but none to her surprise
the goth girls rolled their eyes
hung her from a tree, cause she- they did despise

six brooding goth girls smoking in the park
a stoner came along, and asked "can I bum a spark?"
they handed him a light
doused him in gas that night
watched his body burn when the flames did ignite

six brooding goth girls smoking in the park
then they came to find out that one of them was a narc
an undercover cop
who went to a beauty shop
so they pulled an ax, and gave her neck a chop

five brooding goth girls smoking in the park

What I Saw At The Zoo

ferocious were the beasts caged
wild under lock and key
in captivity they aged
ever quietly they raged
hungry to be set free

Metallica

i entered into my junior high poetry unit
with such a sense of excitement
to share the craft that i had discovered
just a couple years earlier
a craft that my gramma had
strongly encouraged

but what was to be a moment to shine turned quickly
into a moment of persecution

first i was accused of plagiarism
that these words may have been stolen from Metallica
or Megadeth records

when to no avail could they prove that the work was not original
they lambasted me for being too dark
disturbed
unsettling

the teacher not only refused to grade the work
but called in my step-dad and the other teachers for a meeting
to question my mental stability
and general outlook on life

now i do not
at all
attest to the merit of the stuff
i was 14
raging with hormones
and enamored with heavy metal
but it could have gone so differently

i could have been told that the poems were too formulaic
because they were
i could have been told that i needed to study the craft
because i should have
and i could have been told that
while these poems were not the finest of verse
they showed a desire to turn words into vivid imagery
and i should keep working on it

instead
they took away my cd collection
and told me there was something wrong with me

Springfield, IL (When There's No More Room In Hell)

i was 24

riding the Amtrak for the first time

with a six hour layover in downtown Springfield

i left the station looking for a slice of pizza

but before i found anything resembling a pizzeria

i found a dive bar

it was the dirtiest

sleaziest looking place

i had ever seen in a downtown location

i entered

a prince into a den of losers

all with worn out skin and dentally challenged

i ordered a rail

straight

while they all sucked up their bottles of shit beer

"fancy that"

they said

i winced and replied

"yeah"

these were some big bad motherfuckers

but i was a badger

and i wanted to make sure they knew it

my first drink went down fast

and i ordered another

patrons and bartender alike
were surprised

they thought i would quickly scare away

from their establishment

a tomb of the living dead

tooth decay in the air

mixed with Pall Mall smoke

and the odor of empty Budweiser bottles

truth be told

i kinda liked the place

A Poem for The Snow

upon the lawn with the humble of ten thousand seasons
it is not afraid that it will melt
for it knows it will be reborn
when the winter comes again

it welcomes the spring
and essentially death
for it knows that life
is complex
in it's simplicity

it does not worry to be noticed by painters and poets
it could care less if the weatherman sees
it just sits
quietly upon the lawn
with the humble of ten thousand seasons

A Killer Resume

Once I was a psychopath
who took quite a shine to his ax.
Many times I'd leave a blood bath,
but meticulously clean,
and particularly keen,
I always covered my tracks.

Once I was a lunatic,
victims anywhere I would go.
The headlines said that I was "sick",
and I suppose it was true,
the grizzly things I would do.
It was quite the gruesome show.

Once I was a real nutcase,
the likes of which had not been seen.
Meet someone, and cut off their face.
Keep the skin as a trophy,
so I wouldn't get lonely.
All delightfully obscene.

Last I was a businessman,
and it sent shivers down my spine.
To take as much, and all I can.
I was a monster of greed,
with no limit to his feed.
This one is a shame of mine.

The Public Intox Blues

With no memory of how i got here

I wonder who might put up the bail.

My last recall were shots and a beer;

state of panic, I shout in mad fear:

"Let me out, let me out, let me out of this jail!"

They say, "Quiet down, or we'll come in there."

I feel sick, my skin certainly pale;

try to breathe, but can find no air.

Claustrophobic, this space I can't bare:

"Let me out, let me out, let me out of this jail!"

They come in with force, i puke on their shoes;

in a panic my arms start to flail.

Given a swat that will leave a bruise;

I know, now, I drank way too much booze:

"Let me out, let me out, let me out of this jail!"

Greetings from a Star-Crossed Lover

just in case we never find each other
if the days between us are forever apart
if the moon has led you to another star
if you travel always the road away from where i go

just in case we awake
every morning to different angles of the sun
and every night
in the same darkness
take bed upon different mattresses

if my eyes always looking
never see you
my fingers always reaching
never touch you
and my lips always ready
never kiss you

even if we are never to meet
paths always removed or out of sync
i want it to be known that i have dreamed you
imagined you
and waited for you

and i wanted to say something
that sounds a lot like
hello
and a little like
goodbye

[your eyes were daggers]

your eyes were daggers

stabbing souls with every glance
a nightmarish scowl



-for Mary

Decrescendo

in the name of what whispers
we sing softly
the final song of the end of the world
as a lullaby to each other
and minor melodies pass over our lips
like tiny kisses of peace

Computer

there she was again
in my dreams last night

perhaps it is faulty programming

a virus or malware

but for whatever reason

Clear History

just doesn't work on this system of mine

[race against midnight]

race against midnight
an eleventh hour dash
for the quick finish

The Last Car In The Parking Lot

illuminated with the yellowish-orange glow of the street lamps
parked alone now
waiting to be driven away by
the last man at the office

dedicated to his job
or just not wanting to going home

afraid of facing another night thinking about her
looking over at the side of the bed where she used to lay
walking into the bathroom without her in there peeing
or popping blackheads in the mirror

wondering what could have been

so he stays late
distracting himself
with papers and tasks
desperate to forget his broken heart

Candy Wrappers

i knew i should not have unwrapped you
but my will is weak at the beckon of a sweet tooth
so i took off your dress and let you roll around in my mouth

a bursting fruit flavor supplemented with sugar
made everything else go away
for a short time

pleasure centers were stimulated in my brain
i wanted more
i couldn't stop

now some of your clothes are still laying on my floor
in a scattered mess
and your memory is a toothache

Dresser Drawer

you undressed a man
but left a boy behind

all i wanted from you was someone to stay
not too close
just in touch

when you said you cared
all i wanted was to believe you meant it

you were always very clear that
someone else's picture was on your mantle
and i never tried to change that

i only hoped you would save a piece of lint from my pocket
stuffed in the back corner of your top dresser drawer
and
maybe
call or text every now and then

but you don't

In The Fire

along a burning trail i stay strong in the fire

so i should no longer be thinking about

a path i have never walked

a woman i have never loved

and fortune i have never found

it is a lost dream that i must stop refusing to wake from

open my eyes and see the fortunes that i have found instead

an auspicious broken heart that has toughened my soul

the life i have never lived was desire for weakness

no struggle to overcome

no punches to roll with

no fight at all

in my pain i am champion

arms raised in victory

but ready for another round

along a burning trail i stay strong in the fire

Trial By Night

in the final moments of dusk you reach out to the fading light
a last grab at redemption
to no possible avail

toward a jury of stars
and the judgement of the moon
your only defense is a feeling of remorse
so you throw yourself at the mercy of the court

"the only innocent thing i have ever done
is to admit when
i am guilty"

accepting the sentence is nobility
among the culpable

[this worm in my mouth]

this worm in my mouth
is all of my love for you
life for my dear child

[fallen from the nest]

fallen from the nest
mother bird leaves me to die
never to take flight

What's Important

Bukowski taught me

that women
come and go
that jobs
come and go
that places to live
come and go

that when your belly is empty
you have to eat
but food
is not important

that water sustains the body
not the life
so water
is not important

the bottle
a last friend on the road of hopelessness
solving and creating problems
building truths out of lies
a means to an end
but alcohol
is not important

that when the world is on your back
and the walls are caving in
and there is no money
and there are no women
and there is no job
or a job that is slowly killing
and the rent is due
the best thing to do is
press up against all the angst of yourself
smothering in your self-doubt until
life breaks through onto the page
in the form of a poem that staves of death
at least for one more night

that's important

On A Budget

i live off tips
and things have been kind of slow at work lately
plus i've had some unexpected expenses that
put a dent in the checking
leaving my wallet even lighter than usual

so
i'm just wondering
what's the cheapest way to kill yourself?

Art Akbar!

go ahead and fire your guns
assassinate the painter
execute the writer
murder the cartoonist

art will live on

for every shot you take
another artist will rise
with invincible dreams

for every bomb you detonate
another heart too strong to be scared
will be born in the true image of god

no zealot has the faith of an artist
believing deeply in the soul
following passionately the righteous path

so go ahead and fire your guns
screaming at the top of your lungs for your fanatical beliefs
leaving bloodshed wherever you walk
but no matter how many you kill
the blood of art keeps pumping

long before your cause
there was art
and long after you've run out of bullets
there will be art

Validation

tell me you love me before i do something crazy
before i hurt myself more than i already have
before the night takes a turn for the self-destructive

take this chance to kiss me
while there is still a moment without vodka on my breath
touch me in a way that it all seems worth it
so i can walk through the daylight hours like an ordinary man
and not some would be vampire
dying in the sun

grab my hand and squeeze it
and i mean squeeze it real fuckin' tight
because my old ways are always waiting
and i've never been one to hold up a party
so give me a reason
offer me something that i'd almost lost hope in
tell me you love me before i seek validation elsewhere

Tom

i don't shun the comparisons
the man's a great songwriter
and he's got a top notch sense of fashion

and i know it's more than just my gruff voice
the content is similar
a dearness toward the minor keys

i guess the difference is
he writes songs about the broken and the hopeless
i write songs about myself

i just happen to be broken and hopeless

Mr. Phoenix

i'm usually a dog person
but when i returned to Austin after ten years
i met JD
who offered me a place to crash
while his roommate Karen was out of town

one condition was that i
tend to the needs of Karen's old timer of a cat
Mr. Phoenix
change his litter box
fill his water and food
things JD didn't want to do

JD had two cats of his own that stayed upstairs in his room
but he didn't care much for Mr. Phoenix

"he's too old
she needs to just put him down"

i disagreed

JD was a good friend to have welcomed me back to Austin
but so was Mr. Phoenix
as he cuddled next to me in Karen's bed
each night

he was in his last days
and because of that
helped to remind me of how short life is for all of us
and how important-friendships are
the true milestones in what little days we have

not ceremonies and accomplishments
but the value we are able to find in each other
every fellow of this planet
regardless of age
race
gender
creed
nationality
or even species

man
dog
and cat alike
none of us are here for long
so it is important that we remember to
cherish what we share

Dylan

he sits at my feet
a good friend to have
always excited to see me when i come home

we have the same kind of eyes
he and i
and the same pensive brows

he looks up at me as if to ask what it's all about
i look back at him trying to think of answer
but i draw a blank

he pops up off the floor
jumps up to put two front paws on my lap
and lick my face

even with the shittiest smelling breath
he seems to have more answers than i do

Pee

in second grade there was a bathroom in the classroom
which should have made it easy
but my bladder was packed with chocolate milk
and everyone kept beating me to it

lights were out while we watched a video
so in the darkness it felt safe
just to let it go

so i did

embarrassment set in as quick as the dampness
immediately i felt ashamed

after the video we were let out to the playground for recess
i stayed isolated in a corner
luckily i had no friends
so nothing was unusual about this

letting the sun shine down on the crotch of my Wranglers
desperately hoping they'd dry before anyone saw
i thought long and hard about what was wrong with me

There Is No Such Thing As Corporate Tyranny

silly child
where did you hear of such nonsense?

of course there is not a system in place to influence the public into
buying things they don't need while depriving them of things they need desperately
squeezing more and more out of the working class while giving them less

who told you that?
was it that Billy who lives down the street?
that boy is nothing but trouble and he's just trying to pull one over on you

of course we have the means to take care of ourselves
seek medical attention at an affordable rate
pay for this house we've lived in for so many years
your father and i work hard
and yes
we make a comfortable living wage for our hard work
how foolish of you to think otherwise

you need to stop believing everything that Billy tells you

of course you will be able to go to college
without being in debt up to your eyeballs
and there will be plenty of good paying jobs
in whatever field of study you pursue
after you graduate

you just need to stay away from that Billy
he's no good and full of fibs

what's that dear?

well
of course Santa Claus is real

Die-hard

don't bother telling me when the show's over
because i'm gonna be the one standing around
an empty room
looking toward an empty stage
wondering where the rest of the audience went
and what happened to the guitars and amps

dancing alone in the abyss of a dream
shouting "Encore!"
for another song that isn't going to be played

when the band has gone home
when the lights are all turned off
i'll be the guy refusing to call it an evening

in the spaces between me and the end
i will keep the night alive with the set-list of my soul 
never ready to go home

Spirits

Anxious lips pucker for that stinging poison kiss;

spirits of the damned that host a hell of a good time.

No cost is too great; all the money, away, we piss.

Shun the days worries; of responsibilities we're remiss,

and it all goes down so smoothly with just a squeeze of lime.

Vodka

I do reminisce that clean burn;
tasted like baptism every time.
When the perfect mix I did learn,
it eased my mind, and my concern.
It made each and every night sublime.

Danny Gets Hooked Online

with a keyboard made of wood
i'd be surprised not to have a splinter yet
doing less than i could
more hours than i should
wasted on the internet

i blame it on this town
but still, i need to log out
shut the computer down
instead of looking for renown
over something that i blog about

The Snowman Blues

Freezing is all that ever I felt;
Carrot and coal fall to the ground.
Sadly, when Spring comes, I will melt.

As well goes my scarf, my coat, and my belt;
Death comes upon without sound.
Freezing is all that ever I felt.

I do not pine for the cards I was dealt;
Always this way when a year turns around.
Sadly, when Spring comes, I will melt.

Memories of youths, snowballs they'd pelt;
Months ago I was made from mound.
Freezing is all that ever I felt.

Clumps of ice, skin it could welt;
Forever and only to Winter I'm bound.
Sadly, when Spring comes, I will melt

Weather will warm, and I will grow svelte;
Soon just a small puddle on the ground.
Freezing is all that ever I felt;
Sadly, when Spring comes, I will melt.

Sweet Undying Moon

Sweet undying moon,

I offer you my song.

With the stars in tune,

heartfelt, i will croon

to you the whole night long. 

A Poem for Mom

i will never know why you hurt the way that you did

but i have always known how

it is hard to recover yourself from the debris

when disaster is all around you

when the rubble is thick and heavy

most days you just don't have the strength to sort through it all

overlooked in the mess of everything

in this world full of broken pieces

you were lost

i don't blame you anymore

i don't resent you anymore

i forgive you

i have to

because i am you

we have the same heart

you and i

and it's that kind of heart that wears you down

crashes into the wall and puts a hole there that takes so much work to patch up 

it is just easier to live with the wreckage

simpler to ignore the damage

than to try to fix it

we'll both always have our regrets

there are no do-overs

there are no second chances

so we just have to deal with it

as it is

we have the same heart

you and i

though our minds may be quite different

and we will never understand each other

but i still love you anyway

and i hope that someday the darkness will lose us

like we lost ourselves