I Am Not My Crippling Social Anxiety

getting an invitation

for a party
in the mail

was like receiving a death-letter

honestly 

i'd feel better about it if

someone had died

at least there'd be one less person there

the family gatherings

the friendly get-togethers

the outdoor music festivals

fuck!

especially the outdoor music festivals 

i never wanted to go

every class 

every shift 

induced a minor panic attack 

some less minor than others

meeting just one friend for coffee

that's not too bad

meeting a few friends for lunch

that's worse

but

a fucking party?

i start wondering if it would just be better 

to throw myself in front of a bus

right now

when i was drinking 

the bar wasn't so bad

because they had my anxiety medication 

on hand

but in my sobriety 

human interaction is like a hangover 

and solitude is my hair of the dog

i try to tell myself 

that it's all in my head 

that it's some form of chemical imbalance 

that

i am not my crippling social anxiety 

but i never believe it