If You Were My Drink

i would pet you softly
feel the wet of you on my fingers

a patient vampire
sipping slow from your neck
tasting you

you would spill into my veins
until i emptied you

and on to the next

There Is Hope in a Freshly Shaven Dick

it's not that i believe i'm gonna get laid
tonight

it's been about two years
i'm about forty pounds overweight
and i only have thirty bucks in my wallet

but
it is kind of my birthday
and i am wearing my favorite dress shirt
and my favorite dress socks

i don't think it's going to happen
but i am well groomed in case it does

and right now
a little bit of hope goes a long way
for me

as long as i keep a razor in the shower
the noose stays in the closet

This Skol, No Skol

here's how i am about
football

i love Sunday games
because there are free snacks
at the bar

i root for The Pack
1st
because Wisconsin has the most bars

but
next
The Vikes for Uncle Mike

and as i emotionally invested myself
in his team tonight
i remembered
why i don't
do sports

i lose enough as it is

i texted him my sympathies
to which he replied
"it's not over"

and i responded
"i know enough about football
to want to believe you
but
enough about life
not to"